In a conversation with my business coach this question came up. As I reflected on it I started to journal my thoughts. Its a CHAOTIC mix of fear and anxiety with no solutions.

Journal notes

5/5/2019

Coach’s Question

Why are you always unhappy with your system.

I scan the house always looking for what I can organize or update. Its a constant breakdown and rebuild in my mind. I love to see organizing videos and how to creative ways to enhance my life- home and business. To be able to organize anything means I touched it. I did not miss anything and I was able to lay eyes on what I have or need to do.

I also have a hard time keeping it that way. I get satisfaction by going back to REDOING it again.

Areas that I get peace controlling

Folding laundry- Organizing the closets by style or color- dresser drawers colored in a file system. Yet I cannot seem to keep it like that all the time and have to go back and do it again over and over.

I do the same with my RE life. Its a fear of missing something or loosing out on something I should have could have done. Personal should of could of bring me feeling of anxiety.

Meal planning

When I can take the time to have this organized my week goes so much better. We spend less we eat better and I’m not feeling anxious about timing

I love to complete as many task as I can in a day- this makes me have a feeling of productivity and satisfaction.

At any given time my brain is reflecting on things I can do or need to do.. Its a constant todo list of task – Clean carpets- make beds Laundry- meal plan organize clothes cabinets , taxes- rentals- investments bill paying, life insurance car and home insurance ( do we have enough ) wills estate planning -savings vacations ,, parties events and more. I’m nervous we are both self employed and we have to work to maintain. I dont have a clear picture of income – assets- debts. I dont know what my husband makes or spends. I dont know what I SPEND have the time.

With Real Estate its the same

Calls – cards- events- gifts- videos- command tags- scanning social media to connect.

I get a huge emotional boost when a clients comment on how personal I was.

I fear failure or laziness failure is soul crushing , being lazy is fear of missing out on something if I had planned – organized or created something to keep from failing.

Maybe I need a therapist and not a coach? Coaching is helping with numbers and clarity but not the WHY I DO WHAT I DO that keeps my at a certain level in business.

Its all so scattered and I am not sure how to organize it to something that gives me peace to relax. I continue to live in the same fear- swirly anxiety and chaos. It is almost like I’m a hoarder of thoughts and fear that I cannot seem to clear away.

When it gets to be to much I SHUT DOWN or go in to micro organization. I have been known to color organize buttons to feel better.

Tell me.. AM I CRAZY. ?

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